Hearing results

There were six people at the hearing to support jailbird. I think it made him feel good. If it were me, I don't know that I would want anyone there. I would not want anyone seeing me walk into a courtroom in a striped outfit chained to 20 other inmates. It was hard to see him.

So the result of the hearing was...it was postponed again, until November 10th. I spoke with his attorney and she told me the reason she requested a postponement was because she had requested a mitigation specialist meet with him and they denied the claim. She needed to postpone it so she could act as his mitigation specialist.

It puts him in jail for another 3 weeks, but it may help his sentence be lower. So I will continue my weekly jail visits for now.

Hearing tomorrow

So Jailbird's hearing is tomorrow. Through this whole thing, I've been pretty unemotional. I've tried to be supportive, I visit once a week and have written a couple letters, but I haven't really felt anything. I'm not sure why. I'm also not sure why I've started to feel today. I've been really sad and a little scared. What if I'm in the court room tomorrow and I have to hear that he will spend the next 10 years of his life in jail? I don't think I'll handle that very well. I feel like I'm losing a friend. I know he'll always be my friend, but he's leaving and I'm sad. I hope he's not really leaving, but I'm kind of preparing for the worst.

Also, I have to call his mom as soon as they sentence him and tell her. How horrible is that. I'm really not looking forward to that conversation. Why me? Wow, that's selfish. I'm concerned about me having to tell her rather than how hard that must be for her...oh, and my friend who might be spending a good chunk of his life in prison. I wish I were a better person...

Jail take 2

When TW read my Jail post, he said he felt misrepresented. He clarified what he meant so I need to pass that on. He thinks that I should cut ties with jailbird because I am rewarding his bad behavior. Theoretically, the threat of the absence of my friendship would motivate him not to make bad decisions in the future. I don't actually agree with TW that I could possibly have that kind of influence. Nevertheless, that is what TW meant.

Need a new blog

To all those out there who think it's a good idea to give your blog address to people that you don't want knowing your innermost thoughts (mostly about your love life), DON'T DO IT! I've wanted to write so much lately about several people, but I realized I gave my address to some of the very people I don't want reading it! Sometimes I wonder how I've gotten this far in life. So it looks like I'm going to have to start another secret blog. I'll still update this blog now and again, but not about the guys I'm interested in or dating! If you think you deserve to know the new blog address, then you should already have my e-mail address or phone number and can ask me for it.

Baby Shower

I know I already posted today, but I must comment on the baby shower I went to Saturday. It was the baby shower of a woman I went to high school with and haven't seen for several years. I hadn't seen most of the guests for years, but we were all close in high school. I was the only one at the shower who wasn't married. Most had 2-3 children. Most of them got married young and didn't go to college. Keep in mind, I don't think being uneducated makes you dumb. The problem was that I couldn't find anything to talk to them about. After the 3 minute conversation about what I was doing with my life, one girl actually said to me, "I just stay home with my son, so I can tell you about my husband's life." I was floored. I had never even met her husband. Just because you have children and no longer work outside the home, you have nothing to talk about!?!?

Now, because my religion is very family focused, many women in the church stay home to care for children. Now, I think this is the noblest calling for women. However, I have no children and saw no good reason to sit and wait for a husband to give them to me. Therefore, I went to law school and am trying to improve myself. This makes me a bit of an anomaly. I also feel like people judge me because of that. They think that the reason I'm not married is because I've made my career a bigger priority than having a family. That's not the case at all, but people just cannot understand why I'm not married at the ripe age of 27. There's really no solution to this problem. I just needed to send it out into the universe and ask all the women who are raising children to continue to develop themselves. I know that my experience at the baby shower does not represent all the mothers of the world, but for those who have nothing to talk about besides their husband's lives, PLEASE don't believe that. You have worth and value to society. You have intelligence and something to add! Also, please don't assume that I don't want a family just because I don't have one yet.

Jail

So I went to jail yesterday. Well, I suppose I went to "a" jail yesterday. It was a very interesting experience. I have a friend in jail for 2 counts of probation violation. I don't know what exactly he did except that he lied to his PO about where he had been. His PO is recommending 10 years incarceration. When he told me about the 10 years possibility, I was pretty much speechless.

This whole experience has been pretty hard for me internally. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it or what I'm supposed to do. What he is on probation for is revolting. The thing is...I didn't know about it until we had been friends for quite a while. At the point that he told me, he had already been convicted, sentenced, had served his time, and had been out for a couple years. He's the kind of guy that is at church every Sunday and always helping. He's always the one setting up or stacking chairs or doing dishes after church activities. He was going to counseling and had been doing so well for so long. I'm so mad at him! Why did he have to go and screw it all up?

So I was telling a friend "TW" (who doesn't know jailbird) about it the other day. He made me feel really bad about my friendship with jailbird. He made me feel like I was betraying the world by caring about him. He said my friendship with him condoned his past behavior. So my question is this...Who deserves to be loved? What mistakes preclude you from being cared about? And who am I to make that choice? Also, is it really promoting societal good to ostracize people like him?

Well, the day after I had the conversation with TW, I went to the LDS Relief Society General Broadcast. The whole meeting was on charity and being an instrument in the hands of God. So this is the conclusion I came to...

It is the place of all of us to judge. Not to judge people, but to judge whether their influence in our lives is good or whether their behavior should be patterned. However, it is not our place to punish. That is left up to the justice system and God. What God expects of each of us is to love each other and build each other up. Jailbird has made some very serious mistakes in his life, but he has not surrendered his place as a son of God. If I make mistakes, Christ's love for me does not condone my mistakes, but encourages me to become better. Has Christ abandoned jailbird because of his mistakes? NO. If I am to pattern my life after Christ, then why should I abandon KC now? Hopefully my friendship will improve his life, so why should I not offer it to him?

So what I have to say to TW is...while I understand why you have the feelings you do, I politely decline to take your advice and hope that as I go through this life, continuing to make mistakes, that others will continue to love me.

The new man in my life!

I have a new man in my life and I am in love! He's only 12 weeks old though...and he's a puppy. His name is C.J. (which stands for Chief Justice). I just thought Chief Justice Miller had a good ring to it. He is a Shih Tzu-Terrier mix. He weighs 4 pounds right now and I'm hoping he doesn't grow much. He loves to sleep, play and cuddle. He loves to hang out with me and follows me around. What do I need a boyfriend for anyway? I now have a puppy!

Snapped out of it

So I've been in a serious depression for the last few months. I don't really know why, however, it was bad. I think I've snapped out of it though. It's like a switch flipped. I've been in a good mood for 2 days now and am looking forward to the future. I've seen more of my friends this week than I have the last 2 months. I hung out with a guy last night and actually have social plans tonight. I finally cleaned my apartment (it's been a while). I started my diet yesterday and after day 2 am still motivated. I hope this keeps up. I get so much more done when I'm not depressed. (Happy sigh.)

Starting Out

I've been on diaryland, but basically I follow mrsronk around the internet and she has convinced me to switch over. I suppose I can start with what happened to me today. My life literally flashed before my eyes and I am certain that my guardian angels are the only reasons I'm still alive.

I was driving on the freeway today around noon. I was going approximately 75-80 mph and in the far left carpool lane. Before I continue, I must admit that I usually multi-task when driving (eg. apply makeup, talk on cell, eat...), however, I was doing none of those things during the event that I will shortly describe. Like I said, I was in the far left lane and desired to move right. I was leaning toward the next lane, but had not crossed over when I glanced over my shoulder to check my blind spot. Upon doing so, I saw a car right beside me and on reflex jerked my steering wheel back to the left...but oops, too far, so I turned my wheel sharply again to the right. At this point, I had lost total control of my vehicle and was fishtailing across multiple lanes of traffic. I completely panicked and forgot all the times I heard that you're supposed to turn "in" to a fish tail and not slam on your brakes. I did the opposite of both. Without another rational alternative in my mind at the moment, I gripped the steering wheel and held it firmly straight and braked as hard as I could. This propelled my car into a terrifying sideways spin. After spinning at least 2 1/2 times, I finally came to a screeching halt facing straight toward oncoming traffic.

I was shaking so violently that I could not even grip the steering wheel for several moments, then the tears just started flowing spontaneously. For some reason my car had turned itself off, so I put the car in park, turned the ignition, did a sort of U-turn, and continued driving to work. What else was I supposed to do? I think the whole experience took about 10 years off my life, but I also realized how blessed I am to be watched over. There is no reason that I didn't cause a serious accident with other vehicles or slam into a cement wall. I guess God did grant me a break this week!